A charming and unexpected thing happened to me last week. An acquaintance of mine who was reading "The Eminence's Match" told me that his favorite character in the piece was Harat. For those of you who have read the story, Harat is one of the secondary characters - the main character Xinta's exercise partner, who bunks with him in the school dormitory.
When I told my buddy Janice Hardy about this, she told me that she'd had notes from people who loved minor secondary characters in The Shifter - for those of you familiar with the book, one of them loved Kione the guard, and the other one really loved Soek the apprentice Healer.
In effect, you never know when someone might just pick one of your secondary characters as their favorite! Secondary characters can do so much to enhance your story that it's worth giving them some serious attention.
Maybe you've had the same experience I've had, when you read a book and the main character and his/her core group of friends seem to be the only people in the entire world, going about their business. This always disappoints me. I like to see a world that looks lived-in. There are going to be people in the mercantile street, or if there aren't, there should be a reason why. In a city, there are people working to keep the city going. People changing the lightbulbs. Hooligans and police, etc. etc. A world has a population which moves in patterns, patterns which are not necessarily aligned with those of your core group.
Keep in mind as you work that everyone who walks onstage in your story is there for a reason. It may be an institutional reason rather than a personal reason, but even the spear-bearer is there because he's got a job to do. You may not care about that spear-bearer's opinion on these people he's standing next to, but believe me, he's got one. The person who jumps out of the way of your swordsman, the person who gives useful information to your spy, the innkeeper who serves your questing party beer - each one is doing those things for reasons of their own. It's worth thinking a bit and knowing those reasons, because at very least it will help you to figure out their tone of voice and the expression on their face.
I encourage you to think about secondary characters from their own point of view; it's a valuable exercise even if you're never ever planning to give them their own narrative. As you can imagine, I do this a lot - and I actually have a secondary character whose opinions about one of the main protagonists are so important that I've decided to promote her to a point of view character.
Ask yourself what this person does when they're not on stage with the protagonist. What is his/her job? How did it bring him/her into this room? How does he/she feel about being there? Sure, there will be bit parts and people who don't need to stand out in the crowd, but the more interaction this person has with the main characters, the more important it is for you to know what he/she wants and how he/she judges what's going on. Readers can tell, instinctively, whether this secondary character of yours has a life outside the scene they're reading. It only takes a detail or two, or a slight shift in the wording of the dialogue, to give the impression of that life and bring extra dimensions to your story world. Besides, you never know when a secondary character will grow in importance and take on a key role in your story - or give you an opportunity to deepen their character and tighten the story at a later point.
Finally, ask whether and how your point of view character judges the people he/she encounters. I've spent quite a bit of time on the idea of a narrator as a guide; where your narrators put their attention is going to be a great way for readers to tell what's important in the story, and what isn't. If the narrator notices a single individual in the crowd, then that person automatically gains more importance. By having your narrator notice particular types of people and judge them in particular ways, you can create an effect that deepens your world, informs us about your character, and also plays into such issues as theme and plot.
Give your secondary characters some attention. Your readers will thank you for it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
A border collie's language skills
My Facebook friend Heidi Stauffer put me onto this link today. A pair of researchers working with a border collie named Chaser were able to teach her the names for 1022 toys, to teach her how to categorize those toys with different words, and to have her differentiate between names for the toys and commands to fetch those toys. They stopped because they ran out of time - not because she couldn't learn any more words!
How cool and interesting.
How cool and interesting.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Interesting link about panic attacks
I have Margaret McGaffey Fisk to thank for this interesting link about a new approach to the symptoms of panic attacks - shallow breathing rather than deep breathing. I've suffered a few panic attacks in the past, so I thought it was really interesting. And you never know, it might give you an idea for a character flaw...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Pronoun Peeves: I or me, Thou or Thee?
I am not a grammarian, though in some ways I am the ultimate grammar geek. Linguistics isn't about learning "the rules" and how they work, but watching the patterns of natural language and trying to describe them. On the other hand, there are some grammatical errors that drive me up the wall. Misuse of "less" and underuse of "fewer." Constant overuse of "lay" when people should be saying "lie." I've been known to say to people who tell me they'll lay down: "Oh, you're going to LIE down? That's great!"
But this post is going to be about a different issue: first person pronouns.
First person pronouns are "I," "me," and "my." I'm happy to day that no one seems to misuse "my." "I" and "me" however are in a more complicated relationship.
When we were kids, we were told that when we spoke of ourselves and another person, it was more polite to put that person first.
"Josie and I went to the store."
I think I got the full explanation more often than most, but I suspect the result of all this instruction was a society-wide mantra of "Josie and I" "David and I" etc. and here's what it turned into:
Hypercorrection.
Now some people say "and I" all the time, in every context. As a linguist, I can say the whole "and I" thing became like a fixed phrase and people stopped inflecting the pronoun for its position in the sentence.
Your sentence actually hasn't changed. Watch how it works when used properly.
I went to the store. Josie and I went to the store.
Notice: I went to the store is still there, just where it used to be. Josie just came along.
He started hitting me. He started hitting Taylor and me.
Notice: He started hitting me is still there. Just that Taylor got hit too.
He gave a book to me. He gave a book to my brother and me.
Notice: He gave a book to me is still there. My brother just happened to receive it too.
The way the grammar describes it feels more abstract, but really is only intended to describe what we just saw above. Use "I" when you're putting the pronoun in subject position, the position of someone who does something. Use "me" when you're putting the pronoun in object position (the second example) or indirect object position (the third example), where the person is either being done to or given to. If you use parallel sentences as I did above, you can easily show yourself the way it ought to go.
So what about "thou" and "thee"?
I've started seeing misuse of these archaic pronouns and feeling that itch to climb up walls again! I guess some folks are getting the idea that "thou" means "you" and so they're subbing it in anywhere they would ordinarily use "you."
Please don't do that. "You" just isn't a good grammatical parallel when it comes to "thou" and "thee."
The first thing you have to know is that these guys are actually singular familiar pronouns, used for informal or intimate conversation with one person and not for formal or group situations when even back then everyone would use "you." I highly recommend breaking out your Shakespeare and actually taking a thorough look.
If you want a quick guideline, though, the better pattern to follow is actually the pattern of the first person pronouns "I," and "me." Also, watch out and don't forget to conjugate your verbs!
Where you would use "I," use "thou":
I go there often.
Where you would use "me," use "thee":
He leaves me here.
Where you would use "my," use "thy" - but where you would use "our," use "your."
Give him my hand.
And here endeth the lesson. ;)
But this post is going to be about a different issue: first person pronouns.
First person pronouns are "I," "me," and "my." I'm happy to day that no one seems to misuse "my." "I" and "me" however are in a more complicated relationship.
When we were kids, we were told that when we spoke of ourselves and another person, it was more polite to put that person first.
"Josie and I went to the store."
I think I got the full explanation more often than most, but I suspect the result of all this instruction was a society-wide mantra of "Josie and I" "David and I" etc. and here's what it turned into:
Hypercorrection.
Now some people say "and I" all the time, in every context. As a linguist, I can say the whole "and I" thing became like a fixed phrase and people stopped inflecting the pronoun for its position in the sentence.
Your sentence actually hasn't changed. Watch how it works when used properly.
I went to the store. Josie and I went to the store.
Notice: I went to the store is still there, just where it used to be. Josie just came along.
He started hitting me. He started hitting Taylor and me.
Notice: He started hitting me is still there. Just that Taylor got hit too.
He gave a book to me. He gave a book to my brother and me.
Notice: He gave a book to me is still there. My brother just happened to receive it too.
The way the grammar describes it feels more abstract, but really is only intended to describe what we just saw above. Use "I" when you're putting the pronoun in subject position, the position of someone who does something. Use "me" when you're putting the pronoun in object position (the second example) or indirect object position (the third example), where the person is either being done to or given to. If you use parallel sentences as I did above, you can easily show yourself the way it ought to go.
So what about "thou" and "thee"?
I've started seeing misuse of these archaic pronouns and feeling that itch to climb up walls again! I guess some folks are getting the idea that "thou" means "you" and so they're subbing it in anywhere they would ordinarily use "you."
Please don't do that. "You" just isn't a good grammatical parallel when it comes to "thou" and "thee."
The first thing you have to know is that these guys are actually singular familiar pronouns, used for informal or intimate conversation with one person and not for formal or group situations when even back then everyone would use "you." I highly recommend breaking out your Shakespeare and actually taking a thorough look.
If you want a quick guideline, though, the better pattern to follow is actually the pattern of the first person pronouns "I," and "me." Also, watch out and don't forget to conjugate your verbs!
Where you would use "I," use "thou":
I go there often.
- Thou goest there often.
- Dost thou go there often?
Where you would use "me," use "thee":
He leaves me here.
- He leaves thee here.
- He giveth a gift to thee.
Where you would use "my," use "thy" - but where you would use "our," use "your."
Give him my hand.
- Give him thy hand.
- Give him your blessings. (both/all of you)
And here endeth the lesson. ;)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wow, thank you all!
I just want to say I've been amazed and thrilled at the response to the new workshop - and because of your interest, I've passed 100 Followers for the very first time! Thank you all for your support of me, my blogging, and my writing. It inspires me to do more every day.
Juliette
Juliette
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wednesday Worldbuilding Workshop: the Narrator is Your Ambassador
Welcome to Wednesday Worldbuilding Workshop! I couldn't resist the alliteration. It's been great to see the response from so many people, and I'm sorry I can't discuss all the submissions. However, I will keep them in my files so that, if I get fewer or no submissions in a later week, I'll have some to go back to.
Let me start by saying that this workshop is all about supportive critique. I have no problem with the idea of readers commenting on each post, but I'd like you all to think about this as what I think of it as, a Work In Progress. So please, be civil and helpful. If you desperately want to comment on something you think is an issue, you might say something like "I was confused by..." etc. I want the people who submit their work here never to feel intimidated. I'm happy to hear supportive suggestions for my approach as well.
What I'm going to do today is show you the excerpt, colored up to show you where I'm picking up world information, and then put some comments in to explain my marks and talk about the relationship between a narrrator and his/her world. I'm hoping that these comments will be helpful for some of the other folks who submitted, even though I wasn't able to use all the submissions.
Here's the excerpt:
***
King Aidan looked towards the town of Sabin and further towards the sea. Coldness filled him. Black lines weaved in the sky, edging their way into the heavens. The coastal town was burning.
"My Lord."
Aidan forced himself to turn to Martin, his man at arms and a solid presence in the face of chaos. His expression stoic.
"They are upon us with no warning. What evil gives them breath?" the King said.
"My Lord, fire precedes them. Our men cannot see this foe from the sky."
"And so it begins." King Aidan turned back to the sky. "All things return to a place of beginnings," he murmured. And so it did. The once peaceful lands of Vengarion would be no more. The evil came through the night giving rise to the destruction at hand. Aidan knew this day would come. Foreseen before his birth, he prayed it would not come to pass during his lifetime. But men held no power over such things...until now.
"My Lord," Martin broke his reverie, "'tis Airellen. She has begun to birth."
"Fetch the midwife. There is nothing we can do but fortify our defenses here. Theonor will see to the soldiers."
Martin bowed and walked off.
King Aidan gave one more glance towards the sea before retreating back into the castle, his heart a wedge of stone, heavy in his chest.
The beautiful Airellen, pale as ivory bone, lay on blood stained sheets, propped up against a pillow. Her fine brown hair stuck to her face in wet strands. Aidan knew at that instant she would die. His beloved wife, Catherine, had met such a fate bearing his son, Wilhelm.
“My dear,” he said his voice optimistic. “You have chosen such an unfortunate hour to birth.”
Airellen smiled. “You know me. Full of surprises, my lord.”
Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen. He had refused to accept Wilhelm’s decision in his choice to marry her, but she surprised him. He learned to see what Wilhelm saw in her, and learned why he loved her.
“Wilhelm?” she asked.
Aidan forced a smile. “They have not yet returned.” He looked from Airellen to Edalene, wife to his eldest son. “We are at war milady,” he went on. “I sent word to the provinces and Edmund’s forces but fear it may be too late. The enemy has been given speed and will be upon us soon.”
“You must take Edalene,” Airellen said. “Caelen is Phillip’s daughter and your heir. She must live.”
Should both his sons fall into darkness, Caelen would be the true heir, his only heir. Edalene let out a loud sob.
Airellen’s voice fell to a whisper, “Tell Wilhelm I love him. Tell him never to lose hope.”
The room fell silent. Edalene wept.
***
First, let me thank the brave E. Arroyo for submitting this and letting me talk about it. One of the things I like about this excerpt is that there's a clear main character, King Aidan, who is experiencing an event, the birth of a child during an attack on his territory. Both of those things are great assets for worldbuilding, as they give you tools to use and they keep the narrative moving rather than having it feel static like nothing is going on.
To give you a sense of how the blue-green words give me world entry, I'll go through them, just for the first couple of lines. King Aidan tells me this is a world where there are kings, and they can have existing Irish names. I immediately conclude we're dealing with humans (or possibly fantasy-humans). The town of Sabin isn't one I know, so I start to suspect that we may be in a fantasy world - but I'm not sure at this point (there are a lot of towns I don't know), so I'll keep my eye out. The sea is also a potential hint, because this is a phrase very commonly used in fantasy contexts. From the word weaved I know we have weaving in this world (or in its past, but I already suspect hand-weaving happens in the time period in question). The heavens is another marker: it suggests religion, but relatively vaguely, a choice often made in fantasy contexts. The coastal town, like the sea, places us in a location not far from the ocean, which could have interesting consequences later.
The speech of the characters has an archaic feel to it, so I'm not surprised to find Martin being described with the word man-at-arms, nor am I surprised that the king is in a castle. However, I'm not certain enough about the alienness of the town name "Sabin," so it's not until the phrase "the once peaceful lands of Vengarion" that I am absolutely certain we're in a fantasy world, rather than, say, an alternate medieval Earth. This is then backed up by the way "evil" is treated as a force in itself, and things are "foreseen."
I find a couple of unexpected social things here. The king tells Martin to fetch the midwife, which isn't what I'd expect of a typical king of this era; it either means he's more concerned about the birth than a typical king, or that the social rules here are slightly different. At the moment I can't tell which. You also tell us that the king didn't approve of his son's marriage choice but came to love Airellen. This is very unusual in the context of the medieval social contract, and stands out.
The narration generally seems to track with King Aidan's point of view, his thoughts and emotional reactions. However, it has relatively distant moments. The king is referred to as "King Aidan," "Aidan" (closer) but also "the king" (more distant). There is also some distant narrative telling, as for example when we are told "Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen."
Here I'm going to admit my bias toward close point of view. Not everyone feels the same way I do, but the reason I have this bias is that close point of view helps you put in a lot of world information. Works like Kij Johnson's "26 Monkeys: Also the Abyss" have also shown me that even if you don't get really, really close, you can still use the narration to show more things about the narrator and the world.
The narrator - in this case, Aidan - is your ambassador. It's in his understanding of his own world, and his actions within it, that we're going to understand it too. That's why it's so important that we are not only considering him, but doing things with him (more opportunities for showing as opposed to telling). There are a lot of great opportunities in this little piece to enhance our sense of where we are and what's going on.
I always recommend giving an obvious fantasy-world marker right up front. Aidan has an Irish name, so you'll be working against that (which may be why I wasn't sure about Sabin). Maybe you could also name the sea. The other thing I'd recommend is to show us, quite early, what makes your fantasy world different from others we've seen. That's not as important in the first two lines, but within 500 words we should have at least a hint of its unique quality. Actually, I'll qualify that: my world of Varin acts like fantasy but has technology, and people get mad at me (literally) if I don't make that clear immediately. So I decided to put a reference to lightbulbs in the first line of "The Eminence's Match" to set expectations.
As you consider this piece, ask yourself what each place might mean to the king. For example, has he been to Sabin? Is it full of his people? Is he a kind king, and does he ache for them as they are burned? Does he want to flee? Does he want to fight with Edmund instead of being where he is? Why is he standing in his castle (actually, I'm not sure it's his, given that you say "the castle," but I'm assuming so) while this is going on. Is it his home? Or is he being hosted there? Is it familiar to him? Also, you have a lot of characters here, which means a lot of names, and I lose track a little of who's who. Make sure to keep Aidan referring to them by terms that show how they relate to him, and give us emotional cues to the relationship where you can.
This applies similarly to the events at hand. Has Aidan been waiting for the birth? Or preparing his people to flee? Has he been paralyzed by the thought that the doom foretold will be falling on his head? Maybe he has, and Martin's arrival gets him to break out of it, to move. Maybe he has to put on a show of bravery for his man-at-arms that he doesn't have to for members of his family - or maybe he has to act brave even while watching his daughter-in-law die. Maybe Airellen's death, and its parallel with the death of his own wife, makes him feel an even greater sense of the futility of what he's trying to do against the forces of prophecy and history. The piece will be stronger if we have a sense of his goals and how the events affect them.
Below I'm going to put comments into the text. Before you panic, please be aware: these are not corrections. My style of commenting is to have a little conversation with what I'm reading, about things I notice or don't understand, or places where I see an opportunity to do more. Given that opportunities for worldbuilding are all over the place, and that I want to be as specific as I can, that means lots of chit-chat! But I wouldn't expect our writer to change things in every place I mention, nor to add a whole lot of extra detail - this is about thinking about the text in a different way. If I can pique you to think about what the text is doing, and what it might be capable of doing, then I'm happy.
***
King Aidan looked towards the town of Sabin and further towards the sea [not clear if Sabin is on the coast or between castle and coast. How expansive is this area?]. Coldness [what kind of coldness? Could you hint about his belief system or environment?] filled him. Black lines weaved in the sky, edging [black lines weaving seems to contrast with "edging" here. A more thorough weaving-grounded metaphor might illuminate the world interestingly.] their way into the heavens. The coastal town [Is this Sabin? If so, use the name, maybe with an adjective to show Aidan's attitude toward it...] was burning.
"My Lord."
Aidan forced himself to turn to Martin, his man at arms and a solid presence in the face of chaos [maybe, "the attack" or something more specific? We don't know why Sabin is burning yet]. His expression stoic. [nice point-of-view with "forced himself" "solid presence" and "expression stoic"]
"They are upon us with no warning. What evil gives them breath?" the King said. [I wouldn't probably use "the King" here, because it feels external. Is he trying to steady his voice? How does he feel? What impression is he trying to convey to Martin?]
"My Lord, fire precedes them. Our men cannot see this foe from the sky." [is the foe coming from the sky? or are the men in the sky? I initially thought the black lines in the sky were smoke, not adversaries, but now I'm not sure. You might want to make this less ambiguous as we aren't entirely solid with the nature of the world yet.]
"And so it begins." King Aidan turned back to the sky. "All things return to a place of beginnings," he murmured.[maybe indicate if this is quoted from a significant text?] And so it [they?] did. The once peaceful lands of Vengarion would be no more [this would have more impact if we knew what peace in Vengarion meant to Aidan himself; it would deepen both the place and the person]. The evil came through the night giving rise to the destruction at hand [what does he know about what it is? evidence from reports? hints from prophecy?]. Aidan knew this day would come. Foreseen before his birth, he prayed it would not come to pass [maybe give us a specific agent here. What does Aidan know about who has come to attack him?] during his lifetime. But men held no power over such things...until now.[this is intriguing and I'm hoping to know more. Why is he so certain that men now hold power over things when they didn't used to? This looks like something to pursue as you go forward.]
"My Lord," Martin broke his reverie, "'tis Airellen. [What is Martin's status relative to Airellen? Maybe he should call her "the lady Airellen"] She has begun to birth."
"Fetch the midwife. There is nothing we can do but fortify our defenses here. Theonor will see to the soldiers." [I can tell Theonor's not important to this scene by the way he's mentioned here. I wonder how Aidan feels about what he's telling Martin]
Martin bowed and walked off. [He walked off...where? This is a great opportunity to make specific where they are in the castle and what it is like, even if you only give us three or four words about it.]
King Aidan gave one more glance towards the sea [is it the sea he's looking at? Why? Or is it the destruction?] before retreating back into the castle, his heart a wedge of stone, heavy in his chest. [the wedge of stone is a very appropriate metaphor for the setting you've created. Good use of metaphor to back up both emotion and setting]
The beautiful Airellen, pale as ivory bone, [this is a bit tricky as worldbuilding goes. Ivory suggests elephants as well as just color. Bone is more flexible to alternate settings.] lay on blood stained sheets, propped up against a pillow. Her fine brown hair stuck to her face in wet strands. Aidan knew at that instant she would die. His beloved wife, Catherine, had met such a fate bearing his son, Wilhelm. [make sure you indicate in this paragraph who Airellan is to Aidan. Perhaps with an adjective that is more paternal than "beautiful" in the first sentence? And you could indicate how sad he is that his son will now share the experience of paying for a child with the life of his wife (or worse, losing both child and wife).]
“My dear,” he said [keeping?] his voice optimistic. “You have chosen such an unfortunate hour to birth.”
Airellen smiled. “You know me. Full of surprises, my lord.”
[What is his instant emotional reaction? Something like "how like her!"? That might show him entering his memories of her rather than telling us.] Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen. He had refused to accept Wilhelm’s decision in his choice to marry her, but she surprised him. He learned to see what Wilhelm saw in her, and learned why he loved her. [how would he feel these memories internally?]
“Wilhelm?” she asked. [Is she worried? Weak? What does Aidan observe, and how does it fit with his expectations from his own past experience?]
Aidan forced a smile. “They [who? a group of soldiers? Specificity would help tie down the larger situation.] have not yet returned.” He looked from Airellen to Edalene, wife to his eldest son. [it might be good to know from Aidan's entrance that she is in the room. Is she also the midwife?] “We are at war milady,” he went on. [is he informing her of this for the first time? Does he mean to tell Airellen as well? Would he try to protect Airellen, convinced as he is that she will die?] “I sent word to the provinces and Edmund’s forces [is this his eldest son? It's not clear. If so, Edalene probably knows that he has forces and is in the provinces. This might be a good place for Aidan to say how he knows Edmund is a good man and will hurry, but it's too far from X place for him to bring his reinforcements here in time] this but fear it may be too late. The enemy has been given speed and will be upon us soon.”
“You must take Edalene,” Airellen said. “Caelen is Phillip’s daughter and your heir. She must live.” [We don't know Caelen yet, nor her relationship to Edalene or Aidan, and the reference to Phillip won't tell us their precise relation. If she's Edalene's daughter, maybe Airellen could say something like "Take Edalene if you flee; Caelen can't live without her mother." and leave Aidan to provide the information about Caelen being his heir]
Should both his sons fall into darkness, Caelen would be the true heir, his only heir. [Aidan's internalization seems distant here. His sons are now in mortal danger; how does he feel about that? Under attack himself? Suddenly recognizing Caelen's significance? Also, since this is Aidan's internalization, I'm surprised when the next person mentioned as subject is Edalene.] Edalene let out a loud sob.
Airellen’s voice fell to a whisper, “Tell Wilhelm I love him. Tell him never to lose hope.” [I can't help wondering where her baby is. But that might be explained outside of this excerpt!]
The room fell silent. Edalene wept. [I would love to see Aidan's reaction at the sight of Airellen breathing her last. It's a moment of intense emotion, and you could take advantage of this to parallel current events and his sense of hopelessness with the sense of hopelessness that he had watching his own wife die. Or have it differ from that moment, giving him more fight and a drive to go into the next piece of the story.]
***
Thank you so much again, E. Arroyo, for sending me a piece of your story. I hope you find these comments helpful, and I would love to hear further thoughts from you. The discussion is open!
Note: I want to keep comments open and unrestricted here, so I'll switch on moderation only if I start to see problems with incivility.
Let me start by saying that this workshop is all about supportive critique. I have no problem with the idea of readers commenting on each post, but I'd like you all to think about this as what I think of it as, a Work In Progress. So please, be civil and helpful. If you desperately want to comment on something you think is an issue, you might say something like "I was confused by..." etc. I want the people who submit their work here never to feel intimidated. I'm happy to hear supportive suggestions for my approach as well.
What I'm going to do today is show you the excerpt, colored up to show you where I'm picking up world information, and then put some comments in to explain my marks and talk about the relationship between a narrrator and his/her world. I'm hoping that these comments will be helpful for some of the other folks who submitted, even though I wasn't able to use all the submissions.
Here's the excerpt:
***
King Aidan looked towards the town of Sabin and further towards the sea. Coldness filled him. Black lines weaved in the sky, edging their way into the heavens. The coastal town was burning.
"My Lord."
Aidan forced himself to turn to Martin, his man at arms and a solid presence in the face of chaos. His expression stoic.
"They are upon us with no warning. What evil gives them breath?" the King said.
"My Lord, fire precedes them. Our men cannot see this foe from the sky."
"And so it begins." King Aidan turned back to the sky. "All things return to a place of beginnings," he murmured. And so it did. The once peaceful lands of Vengarion would be no more. The evil came through the night giving rise to the destruction at hand. Aidan knew this day would come. Foreseen before his birth, he prayed it would not come to pass during his lifetime. But men held no power over such things...until now.
"My Lord," Martin broke his reverie, "'tis Airellen. She has begun to birth."
"Fetch the midwife. There is nothing we can do but fortify our defenses here. Theonor will see to the soldiers."
Martin bowed and walked off.
King Aidan gave one more glance towards the sea before retreating back into the castle, his heart a wedge of stone, heavy in his chest.
The beautiful Airellen, pale as ivory bone, lay on blood stained sheets, propped up against a pillow. Her fine brown hair stuck to her face in wet strands. Aidan knew at that instant she would die. His beloved wife, Catherine, had met such a fate bearing his son, Wilhelm.
“My dear,” he said his voice optimistic. “You have chosen such an unfortunate hour to birth.”
Airellen smiled. “You know me. Full of surprises, my lord.”
Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen. He had refused to accept Wilhelm’s decision in his choice to marry her, but she surprised him. He learned to see what Wilhelm saw in her, and learned why he loved her.
“Wilhelm?” she asked.
Aidan forced a smile. “They have not yet returned.” He looked from Airellen to Edalene, wife to his eldest son. “We are at war milady,” he went on. “I sent word to the provinces and Edmund’s forces but fear it may be too late. The enemy has been given speed and will be upon us soon.”
“You must take Edalene,” Airellen said. “Caelen is Phillip’s daughter and your heir. She must live.”
Should both his sons fall into darkness, Caelen would be the true heir, his only heir. Edalene let out a loud sob.
Airellen’s voice fell to a whisper, “Tell Wilhelm I love him. Tell him never to lose hope.”
The room fell silent. Edalene wept.
***
First, let me thank the brave E. Arroyo for submitting this and letting me talk about it. One of the things I like about this excerpt is that there's a clear main character, King Aidan, who is experiencing an event, the birth of a child during an attack on his territory. Both of those things are great assets for worldbuilding, as they give you tools to use and they keep the narrative moving rather than having it feel static like nothing is going on.
To give you a sense of how the blue-green words give me world entry, I'll go through them, just for the first couple of lines. King Aidan tells me this is a world where there are kings, and they can have existing Irish names. I immediately conclude we're dealing with humans (or possibly fantasy-humans). The town of Sabin isn't one I know, so I start to suspect that we may be in a fantasy world - but I'm not sure at this point (there are a lot of towns I don't know), so I'll keep my eye out. The sea is also a potential hint, because this is a phrase very commonly used in fantasy contexts. From the word weaved I know we have weaving in this world (or in its past, but I already suspect hand-weaving happens in the time period in question). The heavens is another marker: it suggests religion, but relatively vaguely, a choice often made in fantasy contexts. The coastal town, like the sea, places us in a location not far from the ocean, which could have interesting consequences later.
The speech of the characters has an archaic feel to it, so I'm not surprised to find Martin being described with the word man-at-arms, nor am I surprised that the king is in a castle. However, I'm not certain enough about the alienness of the town name "Sabin," so it's not until the phrase "the once peaceful lands of Vengarion" that I am absolutely certain we're in a fantasy world, rather than, say, an alternate medieval Earth. This is then backed up by the way "evil" is treated as a force in itself, and things are "foreseen."
I find a couple of unexpected social things here. The king tells Martin to fetch the midwife, which isn't what I'd expect of a typical king of this era; it either means he's more concerned about the birth than a typical king, or that the social rules here are slightly different. At the moment I can't tell which. You also tell us that the king didn't approve of his son's marriage choice but came to love Airellen. This is very unusual in the context of the medieval social contract, and stands out.
The narration generally seems to track with King Aidan's point of view, his thoughts and emotional reactions. However, it has relatively distant moments. The king is referred to as "King Aidan," "Aidan" (closer) but also "the king" (more distant). There is also some distant narrative telling, as for example when we are told "Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen."
Here I'm going to admit my bias toward close point of view. Not everyone feels the same way I do, but the reason I have this bias is that close point of view helps you put in a lot of world information. Works like Kij Johnson's "26 Monkeys: Also the Abyss" have also shown me that even if you don't get really, really close, you can still use the narration to show more things about the narrator and the world.
The narrator - in this case, Aidan - is your ambassador. It's in his understanding of his own world, and his actions within it, that we're going to understand it too. That's why it's so important that we are not only considering him, but doing things with him (more opportunities for showing as opposed to telling). There are a lot of great opportunities in this little piece to enhance our sense of where we are and what's going on.
I always recommend giving an obvious fantasy-world marker right up front. Aidan has an Irish name, so you'll be working against that (which may be why I wasn't sure about Sabin). Maybe you could also name the sea. The other thing I'd recommend is to show us, quite early, what makes your fantasy world different from others we've seen. That's not as important in the first two lines, but within 500 words we should have at least a hint of its unique quality. Actually, I'll qualify that: my world of Varin acts like fantasy but has technology, and people get mad at me (literally) if I don't make that clear immediately. So I decided to put a reference to lightbulbs in the first line of "The Eminence's Match" to set expectations.
As you consider this piece, ask yourself what each place might mean to the king. For example, has he been to Sabin? Is it full of his people? Is he a kind king, and does he ache for them as they are burned? Does he want to flee? Does he want to fight with Edmund instead of being where he is? Why is he standing in his castle (actually, I'm not sure it's his, given that you say "the castle," but I'm assuming so) while this is going on. Is it his home? Or is he being hosted there? Is it familiar to him? Also, you have a lot of characters here, which means a lot of names, and I lose track a little of who's who. Make sure to keep Aidan referring to them by terms that show how they relate to him, and give us emotional cues to the relationship where you can.
This applies similarly to the events at hand. Has Aidan been waiting for the birth? Or preparing his people to flee? Has he been paralyzed by the thought that the doom foretold will be falling on his head? Maybe he has, and Martin's arrival gets him to break out of it, to move. Maybe he has to put on a show of bravery for his man-at-arms that he doesn't have to for members of his family - or maybe he has to act brave even while watching his daughter-in-law die. Maybe Airellen's death, and its parallel with the death of his own wife, makes him feel an even greater sense of the futility of what he's trying to do against the forces of prophecy and history. The piece will be stronger if we have a sense of his goals and how the events affect them.
Below I'm going to put comments into the text. Before you panic, please be aware: these are not corrections. My style of commenting is to have a little conversation with what I'm reading, about things I notice or don't understand, or places where I see an opportunity to do more. Given that opportunities for worldbuilding are all over the place, and that I want to be as specific as I can, that means lots of chit-chat! But I wouldn't expect our writer to change things in every place I mention, nor to add a whole lot of extra detail - this is about thinking about the text in a different way. If I can pique you to think about what the text is doing, and what it might be capable of doing, then I'm happy.
***
King Aidan looked towards the town of Sabin and further towards the sea [not clear if Sabin is on the coast or between castle and coast. How expansive is this area?]. Coldness [what kind of coldness? Could you hint about his belief system or environment?] filled him. Black lines weaved in the sky, edging [black lines weaving seems to contrast with "edging" here. A more thorough weaving-grounded metaphor might illuminate the world interestingly.] their way into the heavens. The coastal town [Is this Sabin? If so, use the name, maybe with an adjective to show Aidan's attitude toward it...] was burning.
"My Lord."
Aidan forced himself to turn to Martin, his man at arms and a solid presence in the face of chaos [maybe, "the attack" or something more specific? We don't know why Sabin is burning yet]. His expression stoic. [nice point-of-view with "forced himself" "solid presence" and "expression stoic"]
"They are upon us with no warning. What evil gives them breath?" the King said. [I wouldn't probably use "the King" here, because it feels external. Is he trying to steady his voice? How does he feel? What impression is he trying to convey to Martin?]
"My Lord, fire precedes them. Our men cannot see this foe from the sky." [is the foe coming from the sky? or are the men in the sky? I initially thought the black lines in the sky were smoke, not adversaries, but now I'm not sure. You might want to make this less ambiguous as we aren't entirely solid with the nature of the world yet.]
"And so it begins." King Aidan turned back to the sky. "All things return to a place of beginnings," he murmured.[maybe indicate if this is quoted from a significant text?] And so it [they?] did. The once peaceful lands of Vengarion would be no more [this would have more impact if we knew what peace in Vengarion meant to Aidan himself; it would deepen both the place and the person]. The evil came through the night giving rise to the destruction at hand [what does he know about what it is? evidence from reports? hints from prophecy?]. Aidan knew this day would come. Foreseen before his birth, he prayed it would not come to pass [maybe give us a specific agent here. What does Aidan know about who has come to attack him?] during his lifetime. But men held no power over such things...until now.[this is intriguing and I'm hoping to know more. Why is he so certain that men now hold power over things when they didn't used to? This looks like something to pursue as you go forward.]
"My Lord," Martin broke his reverie, "'tis Airellen. [What is Martin's status relative to Airellen? Maybe he should call her "the lady Airellen"] She has begun to birth."
"Fetch the midwife. There is nothing we can do but fortify our defenses here. Theonor will see to the soldiers." [I can tell Theonor's not important to this scene by the way he's mentioned here. I wonder how Aidan feels about what he's telling Martin]
Martin bowed and walked off. [He walked off...where? This is a great opportunity to make specific where they are in the castle and what it is like, even if you only give us three or four words about it.]
King Aidan gave one more glance towards the sea [is it the sea he's looking at? Why? Or is it the destruction?] before retreating back into the castle, his heart a wedge of stone, heavy in his chest. [the wedge of stone is a very appropriate metaphor for the setting you've created. Good use of metaphor to back up both emotion and setting]
The beautiful Airellen, pale as ivory bone, [this is a bit tricky as worldbuilding goes. Ivory suggests elephants as well as just color. Bone is more flexible to alternate settings.] lay on blood stained sheets, propped up against a pillow. Her fine brown hair stuck to her face in wet strands. Aidan knew at that instant she would die. His beloved wife, Catherine, had met such a fate bearing his son, Wilhelm. [make sure you indicate in this paragraph who Airellan is to Aidan. Perhaps with an adjective that is more paternal than "beautiful" in the first sentence? And you could indicate how sad he is that his son will now share the experience of paying for a child with the life of his wife (or worse, losing both child and wife).]
“My dear,” he said [keeping?] his voice optimistic. “You have chosen such an unfortunate hour to birth.”
Airellen smiled. “You know me. Full of surprises, my lord.”
[What is his instant emotional reaction? Something like "how like her!"? That might show him entering his memories of her rather than telling us.] Aidan remembered why he grew to love the once vibrant, Airellen. He had refused to accept Wilhelm’s decision in his choice to marry her, but she surprised him. He learned to see what Wilhelm saw in her, and learned why he loved her. [how would he feel these memories internally?]
“Wilhelm?” she asked. [Is she worried? Weak? What does Aidan observe, and how does it fit with his expectations from his own past experience?]
Aidan forced a smile. “They [who? a group of soldiers? Specificity would help tie down the larger situation.] have not yet returned.” He looked from Airellen to Edalene, wife to his eldest son. [it might be good to know from Aidan's entrance that she is in the room. Is she also the midwife?] “We are at war milady,” he went on. [is he informing her of this for the first time? Does he mean to tell Airellen as well? Would he try to protect Airellen, convinced as he is that she will die?] “I sent word to the provinces and Edmund’s forces [is this his eldest son? It's not clear. If so, Edalene probably knows that he has forces and is in the provinces. This might be a good place for Aidan to say how he knows Edmund is a good man and will hurry, but it's too far from X place for him to bring his reinforcements here in time] this but fear it may be too late. The enemy has been given speed and will be upon us soon.”
“You must take Edalene,” Airellen said. “Caelen is Phillip’s daughter and your heir. She must live.” [We don't know Caelen yet, nor her relationship to Edalene or Aidan, and the reference to Phillip won't tell us their precise relation. If she's Edalene's daughter, maybe Airellen could say something like "Take Edalene if you flee; Caelen can't live without her mother." and leave Aidan to provide the information about Caelen being his heir]
Should both his sons fall into darkness, Caelen would be the true heir, his only heir. [Aidan's internalization seems distant here. His sons are now in mortal danger; how does he feel about that? Under attack himself? Suddenly recognizing Caelen's significance? Also, since this is Aidan's internalization, I'm surprised when the next person mentioned as subject is Edalene.] Edalene let out a loud sob.
Airellen’s voice fell to a whisper, “Tell Wilhelm I love him. Tell him never to lose hope.” [I can't help wondering where her baby is. But that might be explained outside of this excerpt!]
The room fell silent. Edalene wept. [I would love to see Aidan's reaction at the sight of Airellen breathing her last. It's a moment of intense emotion, and you could take advantage of this to parallel current events and his sense of hopelessness with the sense of hopelessness that he had watching his own wife die. Or have it differ from that moment, giving him more fight and a drive to go into the next piece of the story.]
***
Thank you so much again, E. Arroyo, for sending me a piece of your story. I hope you find these comments helpful, and I would love to hear further thoughts from you. The discussion is open!
Note: I want to keep comments open and unrestricted here, so I'll switch on moderation only if I start to see problems with incivility.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Point of view: triangulating pronouns, names and description
I just finished writing a scene in close third person limited point of view where I switched from one person's point of view to another's halfway through. I insert a chapter break at that point, but it occurs during a single ongoing event. At a certain point it struck me that this might be an interesting little microcosm to consider for point of view questions. Same room, same four people present for a continuous sequence of events, but at the point where you make the switch, the two different points of view have to feel completely different in spite of their third person pronouns, or there will have been no point in switching points of view at all!
The characters are as follows:
Grobal Garr, 56 years old, powerful member of the Grobal nobility and Speaker of the Cabinet.
Imbati Sorn, 58 years old, Garr's manservant (political assistant, valet and bodyguard).
Grobal Tagret, seventeen years old, Garr's son.
Imbati Aloran, eighteen years old, member of the servant caste interviewing for a position with the family.
The two points of view are the two boys, Tagret and Aloran. How do we distinguish their points of view?
First, by the way they indicate the other people in the room. Sometimes you know by gut feel how they'll do it, but it can't hurt to plan this out if you're feeling unsure. Keep in mind that how people are referred to, including titles, names, etc. depends on their social position, their relative rank, their special identity relative to one another, and the surrounding context. Here's what my characters call the others in the room:
Tagret => Garr
In Aloran's point of view, things are very different.
Aloran => Garr
It's interesting to note that neither boy thinks of Garr as the Speaker of the Cabinet. This rank is not relevant to Tagret (obviously) but neither is it relevant to Aloran, who is not trained in politics and is not expected to engage with Garr in his capacity as Speaker but as a member of his Household.
You may notice that I talk about "first reference" here. This is a topic I've wanted to engage with for a while, but I find it tricky to discuss in a meaningful way. I'll do it briefly now. In discourse, and by that I mean stretches of narrative larger than a sentence, we don't use the same terms to refer to people or things every time we mention them. Typically it works something like this:
For objects:
first notice - a table
subsequent reference - it, OR
if some text has gone by and we need to be reminded - the table
For people:
first notice - a person
subsequent reference if gender is known - he/she, OR the person
if we know the person's name, first reference - full name appropriate to status and context
subsequent reference - he/she, OR shortened version of the name appropriate to context, or description of identity relative to social position
You can see that the introduction of the object or person generally includes the most information, and thereafter we relax a bit because we can refer readers back to that information by using pronouns or shortened references. I've seen cases, particularly in beginning writing, where people are not following this pattern, and it tends to be jarring.
Okay, back to differentiating two points of view. There are some other little things you can do to enhance this. When I am in Tagret's point of view, I try to use his name as little as possible (people don't typically think of themselves in third person). Since all three characters are male, however, I do need to use his name quite a bit to differentiate him. When I use it, I try to keep it in subject position rather than object position, so that we get the sense of the character being someone who does things, and to keep it out of anything resembling internalization. Here's an example:
Speechless with disgust, Tagret allowed Father to escort him to the Master bedroom, where Imbati Sorn opened the door to let them in. It didn't matter any more what this was about - the faster he got in, the faster he could get out and go back to Mother.
In his parents' room, daylights shone in the windows, and cast delicate shadows through the sheer curtains of the bed. The chairs from the lounge corner had been pulled out into the room. Between them, with his face expressionless, stood Imbati Aloran.
Then, of course, you also can differentiate by showing the two characters with different mental states and attitudes. Tagret is angry; Aloran is scared and trying to make a good impression. As you can see in the above description of the room, Tagret is in his home territory and knows every object there (note how he uses "the" for everything). He notices only particular conditions of light and furniture placement that might be different from other times he's seen the room. Aloran is not on home territory; he knows little about Garr and less about the lady he's supposed to be interviewing to work for, so he approaches what he sees entirely differently. Here's an example from immediately after the transition:
Aloran fought the urge to tense his arms and shoulders. Distance yourself, the lesson said. [...] The calm mind is observant and prepared.
He forced himself to review what he'd learned from the room. A wide bed with a filmy canopy indicated the Master and Mistress did sleep together, and the brocade curtains on the wall behind it hinted of manservants' doors. The watches atop the rich wooden dresser suggested it was the Master's, while a table of smoked glass set in a delicate gold-plated frame demonstrated the Lady's tastes.
His mind struggled, though, trying to drag his attention back to Grobal Tagret. If only he could be alone with Grobal Garr as before!
Point of view is not just about those pronouns we're always talking about. It's about tuning names as well, and also about putting the character's judgment into the way you treat everything else that is happening. Physical descriptions reflect social position and mental states just as much as internalization or action. In close point of view (whether it be first person or third), the judgment of the character affects everything that person notices or describes. Even actions are not just actions, but that character's interpretation of the action and what it suggests about the other character's motives.
It's something to pay attention to as you switch from one point of view to another.
The characters are as follows:
Grobal Garr, 56 years old, powerful member of the Grobal nobility and Speaker of the Cabinet.
Imbati Sorn, 58 years old, Garr's manservant (political assistant, valet and bodyguard).
Grobal Tagret, seventeen years old, Garr's son.
Imbati Aloran, eighteen years old, member of the servant caste interviewing for a position with the family.
The two points of view are the two boys, Tagret and Aloran. How do we distinguish their points of view?
First, by the way they indicate the other people in the room. Sometimes you know by gut feel how they'll do it, but it can't hurt to plan this out if you're feeling unsure. Keep in mind that how people are referred to, including titles, names, etc. depends on their social position, their relative rank, their special identity relative to one another, and the surrounding context. Here's what my characters call the others in the room:
Tagret => Garr
- "Father" when speaking or when thinking.
- "Garr" only if he's really mad.
- "Sorn" when speaking
- "Sorn" or "Imbati Sorn" when thinking of him as an individual
- "Father's Sorn" when thinking of him relative to his father.
- "Imbati Aloran" for first reference (the first time he refers to him in a stretch of discourse).
- "Aloran" for references thereafter, OR
- "the Imbati boy."
In Aloran's point of view, things are very different.
Aloran => Garr
- "sir" when speaking.
- "Grobal Garr" when thinking, for first reference or thereafter, OR
- "the Master."
- in reference following a focus on Tagret: "his father."
- "sir" when speaking privately with no Grobal caste members present.
- in Garr and Tagret's presence, he doesn't speak or refer to Sorn at all.
- "Garr's Sorn" when thinking, for first reference.
- "Sorn" for references thereafter, OR
- "the senior servant."
- "young sir" when speaking.
- "Grobal Tagret," when thinking, for first reference or thereafter, OR
- "the young Master" OR
- "the Grobal boy."
- in reference following a focus on Garr, "his son."
It's interesting to note that neither boy thinks of Garr as the Speaker of the Cabinet. This rank is not relevant to Tagret (obviously) but neither is it relevant to Aloran, who is not trained in politics and is not expected to engage with Garr in his capacity as Speaker but as a member of his Household.
You may notice that I talk about "first reference" here. This is a topic I've wanted to engage with for a while, but I find it tricky to discuss in a meaningful way. I'll do it briefly now. In discourse, and by that I mean stretches of narrative larger than a sentence, we don't use the same terms to refer to people or things every time we mention them. Typically it works something like this:
For objects:
first notice - a table
subsequent reference - it, OR
if some text has gone by and we need to be reminded - the table
For people:
first notice - a person
subsequent reference if gender is known - he/she, OR the person
if we know the person's name, first reference - full name appropriate to status and context
subsequent reference - he/she, OR shortened version of the name appropriate to context, or description of identity relative to social position
You can see that the introduction of the object or person generally includes the most information, and thereafter we relax a bit because we can refer readers back to that information by using pronouns or shortened references. I've seen cases, particularly in beginning writing, where people are not following this pattern, and it tends to be jarring.
Okay, back to differentiating two points of view. There are some other little things you can do to enhance this. When I am in Tagret's point of view, I try to use his name as little as possible (people don't typically think of themselves in third person). Since all three characters are male, however, I do need to use his name quite a bit to differentiate him. When I use it, I try to keep it in subject position rather than object position, so that we get the sense of the character being someone who does things, and to keep it out of anything resembling internalization. Here's an example:
Speechless with disgust, Tagret allowed Father to escort him to the Master bedroom, where Imbati Sorn opened the door to let them in. It didn't matter any more what this was about - the faster he got in, the faster he could get out and go back to Mother.
In his parents' room, daylights shone in the windows, and cast delicate shadows through the sheer curtains of the bed. The chairs from the lounge corner had been pulled out into the room. Between them, with his face expressionless, stood Imbati Aloran.
Then, of course, you also can differentiate by showing the two characters with different mental states and attitudes. Tagret is angry; Aloran is scared and trying to make a good impression. As you can see in the above description of the room, Tagret is in his home territory and knows every object there (note how he uses "the" for everything). He notices only particular conditions of light and furniture placement that might be different from other times he's seen the room. Aloran is not on home territory; he knows little about Garr and less about the lady he's supposed to be interviewing to work for, so he approaches what he sees entirely differently. Here's an example from immediately after the transition:
Aloran fought the urge to tense his arms and shoulders. Distance yourself, the lesson said. [...] The calm mind is observant and prepared.
He forced himself to review what he'd learned from the room. A wide bed with a filmy canopy indicated the Master and Mistress did sleep together, and the brocade curtains on the wall behind it hinted of manservants' doors. The watches atop the rich wooden dresser suggested it was the Master's, while a table of smoked glass set in a delicate gold-plated frame demonstrated the Lady's tastes.
His mind struggled, though, trying to drag his attention back to Grobal Tagret. If only he could be alone with Grobal Garr as before!
Point of view is not just about those pronouns we're always talking about. It's about tuning names as well, and also about putting the character's judgment into the way you treat everything else that is happening. Physical descriptions reflect social position and mental states just as much as internalization or action. In close point of view (whether it be first person or third), the judgment of the character affects everything that person notices or describes. Even actions are not just actions, but that character's interpretation of the action and what it suggests about the other character's motives.
It's something to pay attention to as you switch from one point of view to another.
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