K had the great idea that I should put up a new post where people could put their revised drafts. So here it is - please put all the revised drafts under comments here so I can find them most easily.
Please don't be mad at me. I know that I was supposed to revise the story section I had. And I am doing that, honest. But what I've managed to finish instead is a prequel scene, to give my protagonist a reason to do the foolish thing she does. And to do a bit of worldbuilding.
PS Can't seem to get the italics right.
I shouldn’t do it. What if my parents catch me? Well, what if they do? Talioth stopped bouncing off the walls of her bedroom and slowly drifted to a halt. She turned the wicked little thought over in her mind, studying it from all angles, and she liked what she saw. She had been caught sneaking out to spend the Darktime in forbidden places many times before, oh yes. So many times, in fact, that she was sure her mother couldn’t possibly think up any more cruel punishments. But who could punish her this time? At Sundeath, her parent’s would no longer hold sway over her life, so they couldn’t punish her even if they did catch her. And by the time the Sun was born again, she would be an adult, under the protection and authority of none save her chosen guild. At Sunbirth, she would have to choose. But no guild could punish her for something that happened before her choice was made. Her parents would never have encouraged her to meditate upon the virtues and vices of the various guilds if they had known which way her thoughts would drift. Until Sunbirth, then, I need take no responsibility for my actions. That was all the encouragement she needed. There was only one guild that she would willingly join, but the Watchers would never grow themselves a guildhall in a backwater like this. And if her home could not support real Watchers, then they certainly couldn’t support someone pretending to be a Watcher. That left her with a choice that was no choice at all. She felt her blood bubbling at the injustice of it all. At Sundeath, she would be free from her parents. At Sunbirth, she would be bound to a guild, forever. In the time in between, she was free to choose, without any other to gainsay her. That the time of choosing, the Darktime, was given over to the Eater Of All Life seemed somehow appropriate. Talioth uttered something halfway between a prayer and a curse, asking that the Eater might find someone else to eat. No sense tempting fate by failing to show the proper respect to the Goddess of the Abyss. The Children of the Eater were most active in the Darktime, after all. Ending with the promise to sacrifice her next meal to the Eater, she flicked her tail, and began to swim towards the distant spires of Nirael Reef. This Darktime would be the last chance she would ever have to gaze upon the tiny Nightsuns, as they gave life to their unimaginably distant worlds. Her last chance to pretend that she was truly a Watcher.
I really like what you've done with these revisions. I feel much better oriented here, and I'm starting to feel Lison's personality come through. One thing that you might want to explore going forward is whether Lison feels any sympathy for the person he's just arrested. If his sympathy, or his plans for emancipating his people from the Dalkans, are going to influence his decisions further on into the story, you would do well to establish that possibility with some hint of feeling in this sequence. I still am not quite clear on why this case is so important to him, and why his career rests on it, but I wouldn't suggest that you add a lot of explanation for that. If you can do it with just a few words, then by all means do. The rest is just polishing.
It's been a pleasure to have you in the workshop, and I hope you feel this has been a worthwhile process for you.
I really like what you've done with your passage. I feel more depth not only from your world, but also from your protagonist. The additions make him seem more mature and knowledgeable, which helps me to believe that he'll be able to handle adventures that come his way (provided they don't involve pharu-riding!:-) )
I like that your physical views of scenery have taken on extra meaning. At the moment, both of them seem to be doing similar things, i.e. suggesting the power and majesty (and history) of the Choque. Given that Curo is about to find out that the Choque government is not as stable as it seems, you might want to see if you can contrast these two views somehow, maybe by having Curo wonder as he looks out on the lowlands whether it's difficult for them to maintain such power over such distance, and whether anyone out there is willing to put up more of a fight than his father.
Good luck with your story. It's been a pleasure having you in the workshop, and I hope you found it helpful.
I can see you've done a whole lot of work! Wow. I particularly like what you've done in the second piece you gave me below. I don't just get a feeling of alienness, but I now feel much more oriented to the way the arcati live. I like the spires, and I like the surface of the water. I also like that I know what Talioth's motivations are in doing what she's doing. On the whole, this piece is far easier to read than your original (and I bet you can tell!).
There are some levels of nuance still to explore here. I still have difficulty with the idea of the Eater of All Life being in the bottom of the sea, and yet being seen as the one who eats the sun every evening. Maybe for someone who lives an unquestioned arcati life, this might be enough, but for Talioth, who has put her head above water, I'm not so sure. The question of where the sun goes might be one of the things driving her to become a Watcher, for example.
I can see you're starting to look at their society a bit more, as you've introduced a proverb. This is a good direction to go. As you go there, try to keep in mind the internal point of view that you're using - Talioth would probably just use the proverb, for example, rather than pointing out that it's a proverb.
Good luck with the story. I've enjoyed having you in the workshop and I hope it has met your expectations.
I think it is much easier to read. The workshop has been a great help. Thank you.
Rather than mention that it is a proverb, perhaps I'll have Talioth note that it's something her mother often says. That might make it more consistent with Talioth's POV.
Now that I think of it, not necessarily. That is, while the prince would ordinarily ride, that, uh, unfortunate incident back along the road might have made him decide that walking was better, for a while anyway. It might depend on the disposition of farus in general and this one in particular. Also, might Curo be the kind of person to say, in effect, "Nuts to this! Who needs the stupid, uncooperative faru when I can walk!" He'd soon come to regret this foolish decision, but by that time his pride would be engaged, and he couldn't remount without losing face before his retainer.
*shrug* Just an idea. Maybe it doesn't fit your protagonist, but maybe it's something to think about. Might give a little more glimpse into Curo's character and history...
Please don't be mad at me. I know that I was supposed to revise the story section I had. And I am doing that, honest. But what I've managed to finish instead is a prequel scene, to give my protagonist a reason to do the foolish thing she does. And to do a bit of worldbuilding.
ReplyDeletePS Can't seem to get the italics right.
I shouldn’t do it. What if my parents catch me?
Well, what if they do?
Talioth stopped bouncing off the walls of her bedroom and slowly drifted to a halt. She turned the wicked little thought over in her mind, studying it from all angles, and she liked what she saw.
She had been caught sneaking out to spend the Darktime in forbidden places many times before, oh yes. So many times, in fact, that she was sure her mother couldn’t possibly think up any more cruel punishments.
But who could punish her this time?
At Sundeath, her parent’s would no longer hold sway over her life, so they couldn’t punish her even if they did catch her. And by the time the Sun was born again, she would be an adult, under the protection and authority of none save her chosen guild.
At Sunbirth, she would have to choose. But no guild could punish her for something that happened before her choice was made.
Her parents would never have encouraged her to meditate upon the virtues and vices of the various guilds if they had known which way her thoughts would drift.
Until Sunbirth, then, I need take no responsibility for my actions.
That was all the encouragement she needed.
There was only one guild that she would willingly join, but the Watchers would never grow themselves a guildhall in a backwater like this. And if her home could not support real Watchers, then they certainly couldn’t support someone pretending to be a Watcher.
That left her with a choice that was no choice at all.
She felt her blood bubbling at the injustice of it all.
At Sundeath, she would be free from her parents. At Sunbirth, she would be bound to a guild, forever. In the time in between, she was free to choose, without any other to gainsay her.
That the time of choosing, the Darktime, was given over to the Eater Of All Life seemed somehow appropriate.
Talioth uttered something halfway between a prayer and a curse, asking that the Eater might find someone else to eat. No sense tempting fate by failing to show the proper respect to the Goddess of the Abyss. The Children of the Eater were most active in the Darktime, after all.
Ending with the promise to sacrifice her next meal to the Eater, she flicked her tail, and began to swim towards the distant spires of Nirael Reef.
This Darktime would be the last chance she would ever have to gaze upon the tiny Nightsuns, as they gave life to their unimaginably distant worlds. Her last chance to pretend that she was truly a Watcher.
K,
ReplyDeleteI really like what you've done with these revisions. I feel much better oriented here, and I'm starting to feel Lison's personality come through. One thing that you might want to explore going forward is whether Lison feels any sympathy for the person he's just arrested. If his sympathy, or his plans for emancipating his people from the Dalkans, are going to influence his decisions further on into the story, you would do well to establish that possibility with some hint of feeling in this sequence. I still am not quite clear on why this case is so important to him, and why his career rests on it, but I wouldn't suggest that you add a lot of explanation for that. If you can do it with just a few words, then by all means do. The rest is just polishing.
It's been a pleasure to have you in the workshop, and I hope you feel this has been a worthwhile process for you.
Thanks! And have a great holiday.
Juliette
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really like what you've done with your passage. I feel more depth not only from your world, but also from your protagonist. The additions make him seem more mature and knowledgeable, which helps me to believe that he'll be able to handle adventures that come his way (provided they don't involve pharu-riding!:-) )
I like that your physical views of scenery have taken on extra meaning. At the moment, both of them seem to be doing similar things, i.e. suggesting the power and majesty (and history) of the Choque. Given that Curo is about to find out that the Choque government is not as stable as it seems, you might want to see if you can contrast these two views somehow, maybe by having Curo wonder as he looks out on the lowlands whether it's difficult for them to maintain such power over such distance, and whether anyone out there is willing to put up more of a fight than his father.
Good luck with your story. It's been a pleasure having you in the workshop, and I hope you found it helpful.
Thanks, and have a great holiday!
Juliette
David,
ReplyDeleteI can see you've done a whole lot of work! Wow. I particularly like what you've done in the second piece you gave me below. I don't just get a feeling of alienness, but I now feel much more oriented to the way the arcati live. I like the spires, and I like the surface of the water. I also like that I know what Talioth's motivations are in doing what she's doing. On the whole, this piece is far easier to read than your original (and I bet you can tell!).
There are some levels of nuance still to explore here. I still have difficulty with the idea of the Eater of All Life being in the bottom of the sea, and yet being seen as the one who eats the sun every evening. Maybe for someone who lives an unquestioned arcati life, this might be enough, but for Talioth, who has put her head above water, I'm not so sure. The question of where the sun goes might be one of the things driving her to become a Watcher, for example.
I can see you're starting to look at their society a bit more, as you've introduced a proverb. This is a good direction to go. As you go there, try to keep in mind the internal point of view that you're using - Talioth would probably just use the proverb, for example, rather than pointing out that it's a proverb.
Good luck with the story. I've enjoyed having you in the workshop and I hope it has met your expectations.
Thanks, and have a wonderful holiday!
Juliette
Juliette,
ReplyDeleteI think it is much easier to read. The workshop has been a great help. Thank you.
Rather than mention that it is a proverb, perhaps I'll have Talioth note that it's something her mother often says. That might make it more consistent with Talioth's POV.
I'll work on the Eater.
And Merry Christmas to all! :)
ReplyDeleteRyan~
ReplyDeleteNow that I think of it, not necessarily. That is, while the prince would ordinarily ride, that, uh, unfortunate incident back along the road might have made him decide that walking was better, for a while anyway. It might depend on the disposition of farus in general and this one in particular. Also, might Curo be the kind of person to say, in effect, "Nuts to this! Who needs the stupid, uncooperative faru when I can walk!" He'd soon come to regret this foolish decision, but by that time his pride would be engaged, and he couldn't remount without losing face before his retainer.
*shrug* Just an idea. Maybe it doesn't fit your protagonist, but maybe it's something to think about. Might give a little more glimpse into Curo's character and history...
Safe travels, and Merry Christmas!